No Regrets
I had a rather tear filled “Facebook” conversation with someone very special just recently and it got me thinking about when we first arrived at the end of the world and how we coped. I also realised that the Mauritian and I had never really talked about those “early” days and our coping mechanisms so over a good bottle of Nederberg and excellent lamb roast on what is the twelfth anniversary of our marriage I broached the subject. This is what we discovered...
Most people we knew said that I would really battle being separated from my family, that being so far away from my parents would be extremely hard for me. These same people also predicted that the Mauritian would find the move a lot easier and certainly would not miss his dad much at all. To those of you out there that are nodding your heads in agreement I have only this to say... Wrong!
Even though leaving my family was the hardest thing I have ever done I have coped very well with the home sickness and the challenge of starting over. It was the Mauritian who suffered and almost every day said something along the lines of going home, and he missed his dad agonisingly! Our phone bill was atrocious the first six month we were here and all calls were to his dad. So you see, we were all wrong!
The reason?
That’s easy, I was prepared for the emotional fall out of this decision I accepted it, embraced it and just rolled with it. I also did the one thing that has helped me through ever factor of my life, I wrote. I wrote pages and pages of nonsensical thoughts and feelings in exercise books and diary’s I always have around the house, I wrote poetry and I started my blog. Without it I do believe I would have gone a little more insane because even though I am a talker I have never been able to make sense of my feelings or make them understood when talking. But writing allows me to purged everything, in a sense, I guess you could say, it allows me to expose myself to me and helps me to make sense of what I am feeling. The Mauritian on the other hand was brought up believing emotions are not real. He was never taught how to deal or express his emotions in any way other than anger. He truly was not getting along with his father at the time and his relationship with his brother has always swung like a pendulum. The Mauritian is a social person and enjoys company, he really does believe in that cliché “The more the merrier.” He didn’t think he would miss anyone and he had no idea how much he would be missed and when he was bombarded with all these emotions he did not know what to do with them. He grew restless and agitated and his frown got deeper and deeper. Many of you will know the restlessness and the frown, double it and you’ll know what I mean. So he did the only thing he knew how to do he hit the gym, hard! Every night for two or three hours he went, coming home worn out and sore giving him something else to focus on, even if only for a few hours. He also got insomnia, something he has not suffered from since high school. He was in a hurry to make friends, he wanted to be in a good salary earning position almost immediately and the cold was almost too much for him to handle. Remember the Mauritian is a “tough guy” he won’t admit discomfort to anyone, not even me, he’d rather just tough it out! So he tried to socialise with people he was not very comfortable with, complained bitterly about his job, got bronchitis twice and had endless asthma attacks our first winter here. In short, until we got our residency all he wanted to do was go home. I think if he was here alone he would not have made it past the first six months, but as it was he had me to rely on so that’s what he did. The Mauritian has coped with his emotional upheaval by leaning on me and relying on my strength and understanding of my emotions. For the first time in 21 years he chose to not ignore his emotions but rather deal with them and he turned to me to help him do it.
I had no idea how to help him. I have grown up understanding that I had to always confront and express my emotions; all I had to learn was how to do it. How do you make someone understand that the first thing they have to do is admit to themselves how they are feeling and why they are feeling like that? How do you teach someone to express the actual feeling and not disguise it with anger or dispel it with numerous reps of bench press? How do you teach someone that it’s normal and natural to feel more than one emotion about the same thing all at the same time? How do you explain something to someone, that for you has been instinctive? It’s near impossible. So I did the only thing I could do, I listened. I listened to the same stories over and over. I frowned at repeated concerns; I did not react to any anger or get irritated with the numerous bad moods and endless repetitive complaints about everything. I just listened, and slowly as the months went by the stories, concerns and complaints began to change, the frown lines disappeared and the anger and irritation dispelled. Suddenly he’s smiling more and expressing himself more clearly and he’s so much more relaxed. All these years I’ve spent so much time talking or looking inwards thinking I could help him change, when all I had to do was shut up, listen and look at him and realise he didn’t need help because he didn’t need to change.
Wow! Serious light bulb moment here! It’s taken me 21 years in a relationship to realise the only thing my husband needs from me is myself. I realised that all these years I’ve spent writing, all those exercise books I have filled with illegible handwriting and bad spelling has really been me taking the time to just listen to myself. I have realised that I have my pens and exercise books to talk to, the Mauritian has me! That my friends and family is what a “sounding board” is, someone who just listens and does not react, someone who replaces the pen and paper and accepts any mood or any level of intelligence, and someone who absorbs feelings like paper absorbs ink.
So the wine bottle is empty, the plates are stacked next to the sink and the Mauritian and I have moved one more step closer to the perfect relationship. The decision we made to move our lives here to the end of the world was a decision we did not take lightly or make quickly. We agonised over it, discussed it again and again and even changed our minds what may have been a million times, but in the end we made the decision together. Our experiences were completely different and we coped with them individually but we have grown together emotionally and have learnt so much about ourselves and each other. We miss our family and friends every day, we live with constant pangs of home sickness and we are looking forward to flying home for a visit. But however hard it was, no matter how home sick we are and regardless of what the future holds for us we do not have a single regret.
Most people we knew said that I would really battle being separated from my family, that being so far away from my parents would be extremely hard for me. These same people also predicted that the Mauritian would find the move a lot easier and certainly would not miss his dad much at all. To those of you out there that are nodding your heads in agreement I have only this to say... Wrong!
Even though leaving my family was the hardest thing I have ever done I have coped very well with the home sickness and the challenge of starting over. It was the Mauritian who suffered and almost every day said something along the lines of going home, and he missed his dad agonisingly! Our phone bill was atrocious the first six month we were here and all calls were to his dad. So you see, we were all wrong!
The reason?
That’s easy, I was prepared for the emotional fall out of this decision I accepted it, embraced it and just rolled with it. I also did the one thing that has helped me through ever factor of my life, I wrote. I wrote pages and pages of nonsensical thoughts and feelings in exercise books and diary’s I always have around the house, I wrote poetry and I started my blog. Without it I do believe I would have gone a little more insane because even though I am a talker I have never been able to make sense of my feelings or make them understood when talking. But writing allows me to purged everything, in a sense, I guess you could say, it allows me to expose myself to me and helps me to make sense of what I am feeling. The Mauritian on the other hand was brought up believing emotions are not real. He was never taught how to deal or express his emotions in any way other than anger. He truly was not getting along with his father at the time and his relationship with his brother has always swung like a pendulum. The Mauritian is a social person and enjoys company, he really does believe in that cliché “The more the merrier.” He didn’t think he would miss anyone and he had no idea how much he would be missed and when he was bombarded with all these emotions he did not know what to do with them. He grew restless and agitated and his frown got deeper and deeper. Many of you will know the restlessness and the frown, double it and you’ll know what I mean. So he did the only thing he knew how to do he hit the gym, hard! Every night for two or three hours he went, coming home worn out and sore giving him something else to focus on, even if only for a few hours. He also got insomnia, something he has not suffered from since high school. He was in a hurry to make friends, he wanted to be in a good salary earning position almost immediately and the cold was almost too much for him to handle. Remember the Mauritian is a “tough guy” he won’t admit discomfort to anyone, not even me, he’d rather just tough it out! So he tried to socialise with people he was not very comfortable with, complained bitterly about his job, got bronchitis twice and had endless asthma attacks our first winter here. In short, until we got our residency all he wanted to do was go home. I think if he was here alone he would not have made it past the first six months, but as it was he had me to rely on so that’s what he did. The Mauritian has coped with his emotional upheaval by leaning on me and relying on my strength and understanding of my emotions. For the first time in 21 years he chose to not ignore his emotions but rather deal with them and he turned to me to help him do it.
I had no idea how to help him. I have grown up understanding that I had to always confront and express my emotions; all I had to learn was how to do it. How do you make someone understand that the first thing they have to do is admit to themselves how they are feeling and why they are feeling like that? How do you teach someone to express the actual feeling and not disguise it with anger or dispel it with numerous reps of bench press? How do you teach someone that it’s normal and natural to feel more than one emotion about the same thing all at the same time? How do you explain something to someone, that for you has been instinctive? It’s near impossible. So I did the only thing I could do, I listened. I listened to the same stories over and over. I frowned at repeated concerns; I did not react to any anger or get irritated with the numerous bad moods and endless repetitive complaints about everything. I just listened, and slowly as the months went by the stories, concerns and complaints began to change, the frown lines disappeared and the anger and irritation dispelled. Suddenly he’s smiling more and expressing himself more clearly and he’s so much more relaxed. All these years I’ve spent so much time talking or looking inwards thinking I could help him change, when all I had to do was shut up, listen and look at him and realise he didn’t need help because he didn’t need to change.
Wow! Serious light bulb moment here! It’s taken me 21 years in a relationship to realise the only thing my husband needs from me is myself. I realised that all these years I’ve spent writing, all those exercise books I have filled with illegible handwriting and bad spelling has really been me taking the time to just listen to myself. I have realised that I have my pens and exercise books to talk to, the Mauritian has me! That my friends and family is what a “sounding board” is, someone who just listens and does not react, someone who replaces the pen and paper and accepts any mood or any level of intelligence, and someone who absorbs feelings like paper absorbs ink.
So the wine bottle is empty, the plates are stacked next to the sink and the Mauritian and I have moved one more step closer to the perfect relationship. The decision we made to move our lives here to the end of the world was a decision we did not take lightly or make quickly. We agonised over it, discussed it again and again and even changed our minds what may have been a million times, but in the end we made the decision together. Our experiences were completely different and we coped with them individually but we have grown together emotionally and have learnt so much about ourselves and each other. We miss our family and friends every day, we live with constant pangs of home sickness and we are looking forward to flying home for a visit. But however hard it was, no matter how home sick we are and regardless of what the future holds for us we do not have a single regret.
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