A Soap Box Moment
I had a bitter exchange with a woman at the supermarket a few weeks ago. The Butterfly was having one of her very rare disobedient moments and completely ignoring my requests or instructions. So after three warnings I smacked her butt, where upon this woman berated me for being so cruel and abusive and embarrassing my child like that in public! I was rather taken aback and retaliated with a rather bitchy “Would you rather I put her in a time out and gave her a lolly for misbehaving?” In hindsight I should have just acted dumb, smiled sweetly and nodded as I walked away. But as I generally leap before I look I plunged feet first into a very heated debate with a very hot headed stubborn and not so intelligent individual.
Now don’t misunderstand me, I do not advocate smacking as the only form of discipline and I do agree that in some cases it can be abusive. I also do not discount using the “timeout” method. For both me and the Butterfly using a combination of smacks and timeouts works very well. I am not a patient person and loose my temper very quickly, so when the Butterfly sends me flying into a “rage” I send her to sit on her chair in the passage. This gives me time to walk away from her and calm down; I can then approach the situation rationally and apply the appropriate “punishment to fit the crime.” Putting the Butterfly in a timeout helps me avoid over reacting and then regretting my behaviour afterwards. Normally I will warn the Butterfly first before following through with a smack, and I pride myself on the fact that I always carry through with the threat and now, more often than not, she stops what she is doing before her final warning. I make a point never to smack her more than once, I only smack on the bum and only ever with my hand. I’m not out to hurt my child, I’m merely trying to teach her that her actions and decisions have consequences and she has to accept and deal with these consequences. Like I had to accept and deal with the consequence of opening my big mouth and retaliating instead of just smiling sweetly and walking away, so must my child learn that misbehaviour gives one a stinging bum and embarrassment.
Even though I am not one to keep my opinions to myself, I don’t interfere in how parents disciple their children. That does not apply however if said children are in my home because then, my rules apply! Within reason of course, I don’t mind kids running around making a noise or if they spill juice on my carpet or chairs, “Scotch bright” and “Vanish” take care of that. I’m not fussed if every one of the Butterfly’s toys land up outside and I end up putting them away or a few toilet rolls find their way into the toilet. Heck I don’t even mind having to replace all my pegs because the others had all been methodically pulled apart, but no child is allowed near my clowns and my bedroom, office and kitchen is off limits. On the flip side of that I expect my child to behave in a certain way in someone else’s home and I do try not to mind when she is reprimanded by that someone else. Funny how its fine when I’m telling some kid off for something in my house but get all hot under the collar when my kid gets told off for the same thing somewhere else. I am however, very proud to report, I have yet to open my big mouth and protest before thinking, until a few weeks ago in the supermarket that is.
When we first arrived here we were warned to never smack our child in public because it’s against the law. That has since changed, which is just as well because I never got used to it and by now probably would have been arrested. But I digress, as a result of this “no smacking” law discipline, here at the end of the world, is seriously lacking! It is, for me, very evident in the behaviour of children during mass. Both the Mauritian and I have clear memories of being severely reprimanded for bad behaviour during mass, but no such thing happens here. Children of school going age muck about and talk at top volume and pay no attention to the mass or their parents. Now I have no issue with babies crying or toddlers running off down the aisles or even talking loudly, but by the age of five or six that is no longer acceptable.
In our parish there is a section at the back of the church were parents with young children sit. There is a space where the kids can sit on the floor and a huge box filled with books and stuffed toys for them to occupy themselves. Our little Butterfly has a great time unpacking and repacking the box or distributing the toys and books to those she deems deserving. Sometimes she will take a pile of books and sit to read, unfortunately she likes to read out loud for the entire congregation but a tap on her shoulder usually gets a whispered “Oops! Sorry!” and a big cheesy grin.
At first going to mass with the Butterfly was torture, at eighteen months there was no stopping her or keeping her quiet and I spend so much of the mass trying to retain her. Then one Sunday Fr. Craig told me it was okay to just let her run about, when I protested that I didn’t want her to distract other people he quoted “...forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.”Mark10:14. So the next Sunday I bravely, I thought, decided to ignore her and instructed the Mauritian to do the same, and boy did she go wild. I have never wanted to be someplace else more than I did that Sunday. On our way home the Butterfly asked if she could have a sweet, I jumped at the chance to say “No because you were very naughty at church!” and thus began a Sunday of tantrums and tears because no matter what the Butterfly wanted her mother said “No because you were very naughty at church!” My poor child went to bed with swollen red eyes and absolutely no treats, not even an hour of T.V. but the next Sunday and every mass since then she has behaved superbly, so much so that many people have noticed and commented on her behaviour.
Disciplining and teaching your child is not easy and the lack of an instruction manual makes things that much harder. My little Butterfly surprises me sometimes with her level of behaviour and politeness. I seldom have to remind her to say please and thank you and though she giggles with glee when “passing wind” she never fails to say “Excuse a piggy wiggy Sarah!” or “Oops! Pardon my bum!” She has, after all, only had three years life experience and I think she’s doing very well. She still has a lot to learn about life and there is a lot that I cannot teach her. But the one thing I can teach her, through discipline and the use of smacks and “timeouts” is that “for every action there is a reaction” and “for every choice there is a consequence.” The rest will be up to her, I will be the best parent I can be and heaven help those random people who dare to criticize the way in which I chose to teach my child!
Now don’t misunderstand me, I do not advocate smacking as the only form of discipline and I do agree that in some cases it can be abusive. I also do not discount using the “timeout” method. For both me and the Butterfly using a combination of smacks and timeouts works very well. I am not a patient person and loose my temper very quickly, so when the Butterfly sends me flying into a “rage” I send her to sit on her chair in the passage. This gives me time to walk away from her and calm down; I can then approach the situation rationally and apply the appropriate “punishment to fit the crime.” Putting the Butterfly in a timeout helps me avoid over reacting and then regretting my behaviour afterwards. Normally I will warn the Butterfly first before following through with a smack, and I pride myself on the fact that I always carry through with the threat and now, more often than not, she stops what she is doing before her final warning. I make a point never to smack her more than once, I only smack on the bum and only ever with my hand. I’m not out to hurt my child, I’m merely trying to teach her that her actions and decisions have consequences and she has to accept and deal with these consequences. Like I had to accept and deal with the consequence of opening my big mouth and retaliating instead of just smiling sweetly and walking away, so must my child learn that misbehaviour gives one a stinging bum and embarrassment.
Even though I am not one to keep my opinions to myself, I don’t interfere in how parents disciple their children. That does not apply however if said children are in my home because then, my rules apply! Within reason of course, I don’t mind kids running around making a noise or if they spill juice on my carpet or chairs, “Scotch bright” and “Vanish” take care of that. I’m not fussed if every one of the Butterfly’s toys land up outside and I end up putting them away or a few toilet rolls find their way into the toilet. Heck I don’t even mind having to replace all my pegs because the others had all been methodically pulled apart, but no child is allowed near my clowns and my bedroom, office and kitchen is off limits. On the flip side of that I expect my child to behave in a certain way in someone else’s home and I do try not to mind when she is reprimanded by that someone else. Funny how its fine when I’m telling some kid off for something in my house but get all hot under the collar when my kid gets told off for the same thing somewhere else. I am however, very proud to report, I have yet to open my big mouth and protest before thinking, until a few weeks ago in the supermarket that is.
When we first arrived here we were warned to never smack our child in public because it’s against the law. That has since changed, which is just as well because I never got used to it and by now probably would have been arrested. But I digress, as a result of this “no smacking” law discipline, here at the end of the world, is seriously lacking! It is, for me, very evident in the behaviour of children during mass. Both the Mauritian and I have clear memories of being severely reprimanded for bad behaviour during mass, but no such thing happens here. Children of school going age muck about and talk at top volume and pay no attention to the mass or their parents. Now I have no issue with babies crying or toddlers running off down the aisles or even talking loudly, but by the age of five or six that is no longer acceptable.
In our parish there is a section at the back of the church were parents with young children sit. There is a space where the kids can sit on the floor and a huge box filled with books and stuffed toys for them to occupy themselves. Our little Butterfly has a great time unpacking and repacking the box or distributing the toys and books to those she deems deserving. Sometimes she will take a pile of books and sit to read, unfortunately she likes to read out loud for the entire congregation but a tap on her shoulder usually gets a whispered “Oops! Sorry!” and a big cheesy grin.
At first going to mass with the Butterfly was torture, at eighteen months there was no stopping her or keeping her quiet and I spend so much of the mass trying to retain her. Then one Sunday Fr. Craig told me it was okay to just let her run about, when I protested that I didn’t want her to distract other people he quoted “...forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.”Mark10:14. So the next Sunday I bravely, I thought, decided to ignore her and instructed the Mauritian to do the same, and boy did she go wild. I have never wanted to be someplace else more than I did that Sunday. On our way home the Butterfly asked if she could have a sweet, I jumped at the chance to say “No because you were very naughty at church!” and thus began a Sunday of tantrums and tears because no matter what the Butterfly wanted her mother said “No because you were very naughty at church!” My poor child went to bed with swollen red eyes and absolutely no treats, not even an hour of T.V. but the next Sunday and every mass since then she has behaved superbly, so much so that many people have noticed and commented on her behaviour.
Disciplining and teaching your child is not easy and the lack of an instruction manual makes things that much harder. My little Butterfly surprises me sometimes with her level of behaviour and politeness. I seldom have to remind her to say please and thank you and though she giggles with glee when “passing wind” she never fails to say “Excuse a piggy wiggy Sarah!” or “Oops! Pardon my bum!” She has, after all, only had three years life experience and I think she’s doing very well. She still has a lot to learn about life and there is a lot that I cannot teach her. But the one thing I can teach her, through discipline and the use of smacks and “timeouts” is that “for every action there is a reaction” and “for every choice there is a consequence.” The rest will be up to her, I will be the best parent I can be and heaven help those random people who dare to criticize the way in which I chose to teach my child!
You've got a successful system in place, don't even rock the boat. The Butterfly has fair warning by the time its coming, totally justified. Disciplining has to be personalised to cater suitably for every child is different.
ReplyDeleteIn saying that none of us are perfect, it’s the hardest thing to do being a parent we are laden with so much guilt to do it right!