Confessions of Confusion

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In exactly four weeks, I shall be packing a suitcase and heading off on that arduous journey that will take me back to South Africa, my family, friends and my baby brother’s wedding. For varying reasons my family is staying behind and I shall have the pleasure of my lifelong friend for company on the flight home. Last night, while the Mauritian berated the girls for their horrendous attempt to go to sleep I sat and continued watching television. When the Mauritian asked me what was happening on the program I couldn’t answer him, I was looking at the screen but I was in a completely different mental space. I realised that the impending trip is creating conflicting emotions, which has me really looking forward to going home and dreading leaving my family at the same time.
The truth is I would’ve moved heaven and earth to be at the wedding and I have no doubt that the Mauritian will cope admirably with being a single working father for two weeks. I should be embracing the first break away from children in five years. I should be jumping for joy at the prospect of good old fashion “girl talk” with my lifelong friend for an entire trip. I should be looking forward to no cooking, no washing, no early morning alarms, no lunch boxes, no after school activities and no sibling squabbling.  I’m not! I do not like the idea of the Mauritian missing a chance to see his family, I do not like that my girls won’t get to see their Godfather and our favourite Eeyore getting married. I’m not so keen on the possibility that I may miss the Lollipop’s first day at “playschool,” or the Butterfly’s first dance recital. I don’t relish the idea been away from my soul mate even though the break will be good for us.
One minute I can’t wait to be on a bus heading for Auckland, the next minute the thought of being back home is horrifying. It’s all rather confusing and frustrating! What I want to feel is excitement and enthusiasm. What I want is to be ready to leave a week before hand. What I want is to not be able to sit still with anticipation. No such luck! I’m all over the place; I can’t keep my emotions in check let alone make any sense of them. I’m start getting into my "to-do" list then lose interest and leave things half done. I feel like a dog with two masters calling to it from opposite ends and not knowing whom to obey!
There have been a number of times over the past months that having my lifelong friend living in Auckland has been a blessing. Her unbridled excitement at the prospect of going home, while justified, has left me with the urge to slap her sometimes. I really wish I could feel like that!
This morning our Lollipop was in a charitable mood and decided she would spend the morning empting the toy boxes and playing with all the toys in a different part of the house. This left me with time on my hands so I decided to tackle that “to-do” list and start crossing off things.  I ended up baking apple and banana muffins, stewing apples and adding them to an apple jelly, making Lollipop an omelette for lunch and cooking supper, all before midday. My second attempt at the list today turned into a trip to the veggie market and grocery store. After supper and a long involved and emotional conversation with the Mauritian, I resolved to at least finish one thing on my "to-do" list tonight. I wrote this blog instead.
So having gotten nowhere or sorted out my head yet again tomorrow is another day and I shall begin again.
Here’s hoping tomorrow is a little more successful!

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