Hurricane Terror

When we pass through the entrance of the Supermarket my children morph into Super Villains, it is all rather terrifying. Despite all the warnings and threats when those automatic doors closed behind us my children lose their ability to hear instruction. They grow horns, tails and numerous pairs of extra arms with oversized “have to touch everything” hands. The volume control slips up to “extra loud outside voice” position and the speed button sticks on “run and slide.” There is a list of favourite games including “toss our shoes at the eggs,” “bounce on the toilet rolls” and “climb in the freezers.” There are those inevitable sprint races up and down the aisles and temporary good behaviour when one child runs into a teacher or classmate’s parent.

I have warned, cajoled, bribed, threatened and begged them to behave to no avail; going shopping with the Mauritian is no help they just get worse! I have to double check the trolley frequently because one or both of them is always putting something unwanted into it. Last week’s Supermarket expedition the Hurricane whipped off not just her shoes but also her shirt inspiring the Terror to do the same! Fortunately I was able to stop the Terror before she got that far, unfortunately the Hurricane ran off shirtless before I got to her.  Then the Terror requested to try a new cereal, the request was denied so she staged a sit in to protest the denial. To top it all off the Hurricane decided that jumping up and hanging on the handle of the trolley and dangling her legs in the air was fun, until she missed.

All the parenting books, magazines and websites will tell you that grocery shopping for young children is boring and that is why they misbehave. Said advisors also advise to involve said bored children in the shopping by giving them small jobs to perform. Said advisors are right, getting them involved works, brilliantly! Unless, the two-year-old Hurricane wants to do all the jobs that her eldest sister is given to do regardless of what it is: If big sister is doing it little sister wants to do it! Therefore, in retaliation the six-year-old Terror will try anything to get her sister into trouble.

So what do you do when a Hurricane and a Terror met in the Supermarket? You turn your back on them, walk away and pretend you do not know them. When said Hurricane Terror makes a beeline for you yelling “Wait for us mum!” you duck down the nearest aisle and run like hell! When one trips over her own feet and lands face first on the floor and her sister has a head on collision with a trolley when she turns to help her you shake your head, sigh and say, “Parents really need to learn to control their children.” Don’t forget the obligatory “Tut!” Move on to the next aisle make sure you haven’t seen any of the people in that aisle before then hand them each a tissue and let them sort themselves out while trailing after you sniffing in misery.

Eventually you will have finished the shopping so you can safely head to the cashier and get the hell out of there. Of course by now the two monsters would have recovered enough to ask for a sweet treat. Now this is where you get your own back: Throw your head back and laugh as if your sides are going to split. Then take a deep breath slowly in and out, go down to their level look them in the eye and say “Uhm... Yeah...Nah!” and then watch in sheer delight as their eyes fill with crocodile tears.

Maybe tomorrow I should just lock them in the backyard and go shopping alone.